confusionisme

hey ho...

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 07:33:18 GMT

hey folks...

.. yeah.. i knw. ive bn away for so long, rite? ntah la. thots running thru my mind but feel more like internalising things for nw.

maybe i'll quit blogging soon... tgklah how...

.. miss u folks. miss my blog and rambling innere.

cakk

Fri, 28 Nov 2008 14:04:06 GMT

No.

I'm not dead yet.

Still alive, breathing and kicking.

Give it a month or two... eheh.

Y issit so wrong for me to want something less complicated?

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 16:47:10 GMT

Lately ive been plagued with issues concerning rships. Abt how people in general perceive a woman and a man in a rship. How a man and woman can only be in a rship when there are emotions involved and when a rship built entirely on companionship without emotional ties to it, it's deemed not right.

It's normal for men to be in a rship out of pure physical needs. Heck.. i prettie much think that men in general look for a rship where there's less emotional commitment, until they find someone who they fall in love with. Otherwise, a no-emotional rship would suit men just fine.

And people in general accept that being a common nature with men.

But put a woman into that scenario. It becomes a *totally* different thing altogether. Women who chooses to be in a no-emotional rship are taken as... well... immoral? Can i use such a word? Ala2 jalang la, pendek kata.

But why d difference in opinion then?

Sama saja kan situationnya, cuma jantina saja berubah.

Sometimes, a non-comittal, no-frills, no-emotional-commitment thingy is wat a person needs. Especially for someone who has gone through and seen it all type. Rships scare me. Seriously. It does. Commitment. Emotional attachment.

Dont get me wrong. If given a choice, id definitely want to be in a rship with a man who loves me as much as i love him. Who doesnt want to get married okie? Since i was a kid, ive always dreamed of marriage, family, kids, happily ever after.

Ive just gotten a bit... jaded. And scared.

Scared of putting my emotions into one person and risking of getting hurt. Adoii. Ive gone through enough pain and disappointment to last me a lifetime. And ive seen d actual situation of some so-called-happy-marriages.

Where d wife is living in oblivion that her husband is playing around with some other woman behind her back.

*sigh*

Yes, folks. Im chicken scared shit of that same thing happening to me. I mean... i dont want to be in a marriage where im constantly thinking whether is my husband f*cking another woman behind my back. That aint a life i want to live till d day i die, ok.

.. and yet, i yearn for some form of....

... security and stability in my life.

*sigh*

Ntah la. Im thankful for my life, how its been so far. But some nights... it gets harder and harder to stop that pang of loneliness hitting me. Thats why i find that non-comittal rships suit me just fine now.

... i dont make sense do i?

Well, let me put it this way. Im afraid of commitments, yet i yearn for some form of companionship. Im worried that my bf/ husband/ fiance/ lover/ partner goes off with another woman behind my back, so i look for a person that's able to provide me all that, yet help me mantain my emotional independency.

... its not that all complicated. Wierd. Confusing. But not complicated.

For now anyways.

Especially when ure stuck in love with someone who doesnt love u back. Urghh... dont let me go there.

Okie. Fine. No. I dont think im *in* love with someone. At least i knw that i wudnt die for him nor do i hold any hope that he might one day love me back. No. Im deeply in lust with someone. Yes, he makes me happie just hving him around. Yes, i dream abt him. And yes, he can make me laugh and cry at d same time.

But i dont think im in love with him yet. Not yet. But i do knw that i miss him on odd days. And i cry abt him on other days. Maybe it's dat issue of not hving him in d first place, dats making me harbor all this sickening obsession with him.

Coz when people ask me why hes able to make me feel this way... i cant answer them. I just tell them, i like the way i feel when he's around. I feel happie.

So no. Im not in love with him. Im just madly obsesses and in lust with him. Doesnt help that he fulfills *all* the requirements i physically look for in a man.

Gorgeous hands. Dropdead jawline. And his shoulders... demmit.

*sigh* Yes, im sick. Sue me.

... im trailing off here arent i? Short attention span people. Sorrie.

Guess i better stop while im not rambling full speed ahead. Hadeih. C ya later folks. Ciao!

Got tagged by immy like aeons ago... eheh.

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 18:49:17 GMT

Rules:
1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves
3. At the end of the post the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves a comment, letting them know they got tagged and to ask them to play and read your blog

Starting time: 1.50am
Name: Nani Sha*
Sisters: 2
Brothers: 1
Shoe size: 5/6/7 (depending on shoe make). Usually its a 6.
Height: 154cm.
Where do you live: Home. Unless i my bank evicts me, god forbids. eheh.
Favourite drinks: Air soya. Air mineral sejok.
Favourite breakfast: Toast, scambled eggs, beans. And orange juice. Yummy...

Have you ever
Been on a plane: Yes
Swam in the ocean: Yes, but i sink.
Fallen asleep at school: Who hasnt??
Broken someone's heart: No. I dont think so lar...
Fell off your chair: ... Yes. Once. Was laughing too hard at something. And i continued laughing post-fall. Thank god kat rumah masa tuh.
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call: ... yes. Im an idiot dat way. Ive learned tho. Eheh.
Saved emails: Yes. Emails. Sms. Mms. Every freaking thing for abt a few months, and thn i'll delete them.
What is your room like: Which room? Sentul? Cosy. Hs this sexy vibe to it. Hehehehe...
What's right beside you: My sis and her bed. Am at Gombak at d moment for d weekend.
What is the last thing you ate: ....... oatmeal choc chips cookies. Sedap, but it a ride down guilt road. Demmit...

Ever had
Chicken pox: Yes.
Sore throat: Err... yes?
Stitches: Yes. On my arm, from an operation to get rid of some mass..
Broken nose: No. Thank god. .

Do you
Believe in love at first sight: No. Just lust at first sight. Im good at dat. Eheh.
Like picnics: Depends on the company lar.

Who was the last person
You danced with: ....... i cant remember. Was in a club tho. Eheh.
Made you smile: My mum.
You yelled at: Yell? I dont yell. Just nag. Eheh.

Today did you
Talk to someone you like: Err... i like my family? Do they count? =p
Kissed anyone: No. Ive gone without a kiss for d past week or so... demmit.
Get sick: No.
Talk to an ex: Today? No.
Miss someone: Yes. But i didnt expect id miss *dat* particular someone. Adoii.. enough with d complicated mess.
Eat: Like... errr.. yeah? Takkan berpuasa 24 jam kot...

Best feeling in the world
Do you sleep with stuffed animals: No. Ive outgrown them looonnggg time ago.
What's under your bed: Load of stuff that i dont knw where else to store.
Who do you really hate: ... i dont hate.
What time is it now: 2.03am. Lambat gila buat taggie nih. Demmit.

Random
Is there a person who is on your mind now: Yeah. Will be meeting him tomorrow. =)
Do you have any siblings: Oi. If ure asking me this, thn u definitely hvnt read my answers up there hv u?!
Do you want children: Yes. I hope so someday.
Do you smile often: Yes.
Do you like your handwriting: No. It's too round for my liking. Reflects how i am in reality. Ehehehehehe... denial, i know. Demmit.
Are your toe nails painted: Yes. French. =p
Whose bed other than yours would you rather sleep in: Eheh. Do i need to answer this?? Taknak, boleh? But there is one particular bed i wish i was in... Hgeeee...
What color shirt are you wearing now: Blue. Lama gila okie tak pakai biru. Adoi.
What were you doing at 7:00 p.m. yesterday: Cleaning up my living room that was soaked in rainwater. Yupp... forgot to close the windows, so rain came in and half my living room was flooded. Adoii...
When did you cry last: Thursday evening. In front of an audience summore. Adeihh.. will never be able to look bahau straight in d eye again.

Are you a friendly person: These days? No. Unless im at ease with them....
Do you have any pets: Yes. Kitties and mommie cats.
Where is the person you have feelings for right now: .... ntah. Prolly in Seremban.
Did you hold hands with the person who mean anything to you now: No. You see... he doesnt know/ chooses to ignore that i hv feelings for him. So no... i dont hold hands with him.
Do you sleep with the TV on: Only when im in places im not familiar with.
What are you doing right now: Doing this tag??
Have you ever crawled through a window: ... aiyohh.. Dont remember. I dont think so.

Can you handle the truth: Yes. It'll hurt, and i'll be sad for a bit. But i'll be fine a few minutes later.
Are you too forgiving: I used to be. Depends now. Its harder to forgive some things.
Are you closer to your mother or father: Depends. Prolly my mother for the personal aspects in my life and my dad for the other general aspects of my life.
Who was the last person you cried in front of: .. bahau and syahrol. adeih..
How many people can you say you've really loved: 1.
Do you eat healthy: I try to most of the time these days.
Have you ever cried because of something someone said to you: Yes. Im a girl. Sue me. =p
If you're having a bad day, who are you most likely to go to: Depends. Nad, Sam, Bahau, Syahrol, Zen.....
Are you loud or quiet most of the time: Quiet. Ive mellowed down a bit. But thn ud get these outbursts of adrenalin, where im super loud. Not often though.
Are you confident: Yes, it took years, but yeah.

5 things I was doing 10 years ago
Dating, studying, eating, drinking and breathing...

5 things on my to-do list today
Sleep, eat, bersahur, sleep, go do my threading...

5 snacks I enjoy
Olives (yes, im wierd dat way).... ok. I dont snack much. Prolly drink gallons and gallons of soya milk.

5 things I would do if I were a billionaire
.. oi.. i live in reality here.

5 of my bad habits
... dats for u to figure. Better yet, dont try to figure it out. Eheh.

5 places I have lived in
Vienna, Gombak, Sentul, Gombak and Sentul again...

5 jobs I've had
... not a lot. marketing exec. customer service exec. PTD. sex kitten. mamalicious goddess...

5 people I tag
Takmau teg sesaper boleh? Eheh.

This is not an update.

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 09:03:59 GMT

No updates for a *long* time. Sorrie folks. Until i get some internet connection at Sentul home, i guess i will be cut off from the www for a while.

Till then, take care folks.

Luv ya.

aiyoh..

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 18:33:39 GMT

Hey there folks. Its 1.36am. M a bit tired. From Friday night's clubbing session and yesterday night's wedding dinner.

Emotions are a bit worn out. Weddings does that to me. Not because im a cynic. Nor because im jaded.... just that... people have their off days. Days where they feel not as emotionally strong as they usually are. Days where they just want someone to cuddle up to say that everything will be fine.

Weddings make me have those kinda days. Urghh...

... yes, thoughts of *him* does come by more often these days. But... im dealing. Learning to let go and forget is... trying. Im getting there. But slowly. There are good days, and then there are bad days. N nights.

Tonight's one of them. Gawd, i knew i shudnt have gone to Bob's wedding. I HATE WEDDINGS FOR GOD HEAVENS SAKE... aiyahh.

But in d name of fship, ku gagahi juga walaupun ikutkan hati ingin ku lari jauuuhhhhhh....

... now im lying in bed in Gombak, listening to Kerispatih - Tapi Bukan Aku and Coco - Mengintai Langit. Two songs that are sengal and dun help lift my spirits. But u knw wat? I wanna wallow in self-pity and sadness for tonight. Seriously.

Yes, i'll prolly wake up in d morning with a hell of a headache and lousy mood, but demmit... aku takde moooooddddd okaaaayyyyyyy.

SIAL LAAA LELAKI SORANG NIIIIIII. KENAPA SENGAL SANGAAATTTTTT...

(T______________________________T)

.... like i said. Takde makna. Hadeih.

Wokieh folks. Mata dah sepet. Nighty-nite. Out.

Hapdet.

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 03:53:23 GMT

Ok. Fine. Im taking time off frm work to blog. It's been a while, i knw.

Hvnt been going home to Gombak for quite some time. Sentul doesnt have internet access yet, so yeap. Im cut off from the Net for a while. Not that im complaining. Learning to relive my life as a normal human being, minus the craze of rushing back home for FC jumps. Eheh.

N wit Nadia in Korea for the next 2 months, im learning to be on my own. Lonely the first few days, but im getting the hang offit. I love coming back home to some peace and quiet. Plus... i now get the hype of hving ur own joint. Ur home.

It's calming. And satisfying. :)

Anyway, life. Got my 48 letter effective 1 July. Yes. Dah naik pangkat. Alhamdulillah. Bahau has yet to receive his. Kirk's still has to pass that one bloddy paper. And Yo has to wait for his 2006 LNPT marks. Aiyohh.

But im not entirely sure where im positioned. I mean, the only empty slot wud be International. Tp itu jadi bos Bahau, and it'd be wierd for me to be Bahau's bos. Like demmmnnnnn...

(x_________________________x)

But MrDagu finally got transferred out. So MrSUBaru asked me to stay in Dasar for now. So, technically im in International, but administratively placed at Dasar. Tp keje secara free utk post 52. Or tanggung tugas. Dunno which. Arahan takde. Haihh...

Anything, im just thankful for the 48. Bolehlah pasang internet bulan depan. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....

... love life? Nil. Im still getting flashes of someone now and then, so yeah.. i have my good days and my bad days. Which is fine by me.

*sigh*

My blogging has really slipped. It's funny how u have *so* many thoughts running through your head, but when it comes down to it... u cant put it down in writing. Its damn frustrating okie.

Imagine this...

... you're at home watching tv, and a million things run through your head and u go, hell, i wished i had internet access so that i can blog abt it. Thn once u are logged in to ur blog, all thoughts go *poof*.

Mcm haram okieh.

Ishhh....

... i miss PnSUB-Now-Jd-PnTKSU. Funnie how much id go crazy working under her, but frankly speaking, working under her brought out the best in me. With MrSUBaru... haih. Trust me. U're gonna hear a lot abt him in this blog frm now on.

I getting a gray hair frm just thinking abt this...

... okie. Better log off while i can. This star rating work im working on tak siap2 lagi. Mcm haram. Kena perintah berkurung until next week. And cuti dibekukan. Demmit.

I wana go to Ballllllllllliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...

I'm bacccccckkkkk!!! For now anyways... eheh.

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 20:31:27 GMT

Hello loves!

It's bn a while, i knw. Sorrie. Life's been..... full of surprises. I dun even knw where to start. My two weeks of heaven in Spain, coming back to a changed management (PnSUB got promoted to TKSU), crying over a lost friend, the appreance of someone frm my past, losing contact wit my FB and FS friends. Demmit...

*sigh*

But im not complaining... much. Eheh. Life's prettie okie. So far. Despite all the stress, kadang-kadang rasa nak tergolek mati sebab stress and other times rasa mcm nak berjoget riang sbb.... happie sgt. Like wierd, seriously. I didnt 3.0. cud be so interesting. Eheh.

Owh... lupa.

Ive been 30 for a month already. Wah! Gila laju masa berlalu okie. Hadeihhh...

.. hows 30 like? Tak byk beza okie. I'm still nenong-nenong sana sini. Still happily single. Kanak2 riang sometimes. And i still read Detektif Conan and Naruto before i sleep. =p

\(^________________________^)/

Memang riang gumbira... hahahaha.

Anyway, highlight of my life? Ntah la. So many things going on. But lemme share this...

... for regular readers, u might hv read sumwhere abt a friend i lost contact with, coz he just... disappeared from my life. No explanation. No nothing...

... he's back. =/

I cant understand how everything happened. For some reason, ever since i was reminded of him by someone's perfume, he was in and out of my mind regularly. Before Spain and Kirk's wedding...

... in Spain. After Spain. And he suddenly popped back into my life.

.... yes, he finally gave me closure. Y things turned out d way it did. Y he chose to disappear. Wat? Not dishing. Let u guys assume all dat u want...

... but *so* far, i accept his reasons. And...

.... well, we're friends. =p

..............

........................

...............................................................................

Finnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeee..... i'm happie. Happie i said it? Hahahaha. Okie, despite watever happened, why it happened, what will happen, isnt as important to me as to hving him back in my life. So okiee.... im still in midst of getting over... ermm... someone. Him coming back into my life, cudnt happen at a better moment.

=D

At least i'm not thinking too much... which is good. Eheh.

Owh, am busy decorating my house. Basically... it's furnished. In a way. Perabot utama semua ada. It's d small things dat make my home a home dat im working on. Haihh... let me remind you dat it takes lots of casshhhhhhh to make a home a home. Hadeihhh...

... i feel my pocket burning.

.... tapi kan, when u come home after a tired day at d office, duduk depan tv yang ada astro, knowing dat *everything* in d house, u've bought with ur own hard-earned money... welll.... it makes it all worthwhile.

Seriously....

.... so now im obsessed wit my house. I mean.. mmg la kan dah lama beli rumah tu. Tapi sbb baru skrang ada duit nak beli brg bagai.... so... yeah. It's fun.

Owh, nad's staying with me too. It's okie so far.

Currently she's staying with me in my room sbb... ermm... she only brought her clothes and nothing else in. Hahahahaha.... let me tell u something...

.... it's a learning experience. Im not used to sharing my stuff with other people other thn my silings and parents. Hving someone not related to me share things with me... well....

... as i said. A learning experience. Hahahaha. In a good way though.

So okie. i'ts already 4am. Better get some shuteye. Long day ahead. Night, folks!

It has been a good day...

Mon, 26 May 2008 18:13:56 GMT

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....

... had fun today. Okieh. D day was tiring.. but come 6pm, i had fun. Loads! Yay! Went to visit d Parliament of d'Andorra today. It was an old building previously owned by a rich family, but was the converted to the Parliament of d'Andorra back in the 17th Century until today. Andorra has quite a number of old buildings here still preserved.

A haven of heritage...

... d place was called Casa de la Valle. Lovely place. Felt like i entered medieval times because most of the ancient artifacts and funishings are still kept exactly how they were back in the old days. Lovely.

After that went window shopping in Andorra. They say that Andorra is a shopping haven. But then, since everything was in Euro, so yeap... shopping went out of the window. Managed to buy one leather handbag for along though. Eheh.

Saving my muh-ney for Madrid and London. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

Had dinner at this nice eatery. Mama Maria with Melanie from Aruba and Soraya from Brazil. 2 lovely and beautiful ladies. But then, they are from d latin region so yeap... had fun hanging out with them exchanging stories abt work and personal.

At 11.30pm, Sonia from UNWTO.Themis brought us to this club in Andorra. Around 5 minutes walk from the hotel we're staying. XOXOXO. Yup, that's d club's name. Had fun! Gawd, i always knew that latinas are crazy abt dancing, but this is d first time i actually learned dancing latin dances from 2 pure latin ladies. Gawd... kelakar okie blajar.

Nasib baik tak kongkang... eheh.

Christi (Bulgaria guy, quite cute too), Raphael (Israel), Sonia, Rosamund (both frm UNWTO) and Ms Romania (cant remember her name lar) all went. Raul (Argentina) joined us a bit later and boyyyy....

... gila berclubbing okie dis people. Hahaha.. d club owner enjoyed watching us dat in d end he gave round of dem a shot each. Siap buat bet bagai diaorang. Hampehh...

Me, Soraya and Melanie left a bit earlier thn d rest coz esk kena bangun awal okieh. plus is still suffered a bit of jetlag so yeap... erm. But then, my jetlag means i'll wakeup at 5am. So dat wudnt b a problem rite?? Hehehehe...

D three of us made a pact to find d clubs in Madrid. Cant wait!

Anyway, have posted some pictures in my friendster. Want to post in FB, but they're doing some site mantainence, so yeap... esok2 aje lah.

*sigh*

Im having fun here. Yes, i miss my family like *mad*. But im enjoying my stay so far. I mean, i only have this chance once and for all i knw dis might be my last trip if i get transferred out of MOTOUR fr my 48 promotion. =(

So far, this exprience has opened my eyes more to the area im working in. Ive always loved being in tourism, but exchanging information with d people im with here... well... made me realise how much i love it. D dynamics of this industry. Dealing with people. Understanding the various challenges and knowing how big potential Malaysia has in this aprticular area...

... im happie.

One hard thing abt this though is being away from d people i love most. My family. My close friends. I miss my parents the most.

Teruklaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... mcm la anak manja sgt. Im not! Chett.

With my birthday coming up, its gonna be tougher. Turning 3-0 summore. Mcm haram kena celebrate tanpa family and friends. I had dis big party all planned out tp kena kansel okiieeeeeeee...

... not dat i regret it coz hell, im in Spain, and hell i love it here.

Cant wait to get to Madrid.

Anyway, better get some shut-eye. Esok ada conference lagi in d morning and afternoon we're going to visit another parish in Andorra and visit one of Andorra's symbolic attractions. It's thermal spa. They say it's renowned. Hmm... nak g tgk lah.

So nite folks. Take care!

Adios!

Muchos gracias!

Sat, 24 May 2008 22:24:21 GMT

Ola!

Greetings from Spain. It's 23.24pm here. Meaning it's 5.21 am in Malaysia. Eyes bright like the sun now. Dah terlepas waktu tidor, so hmm.. mati laaa esok jadi mcm zombie. Ishh...

Anyway, have met the UNWTO delegation. Hmm, im d only rep from Asia. Bleh?? Huwargh! Yg lain semuanya European, Africans... Egypt ada sorang. But from *dat* side of the world. Moi...

.. sangap la nak cari kawan. Ishh.

Takper. Enjoy my time here. Even though it means i'll be doing a lot of things alone of join sahaja mana2 group. Chait.

Need to repack my stuff. Will be going sightseeing in Barcelona tomorrow then shooting straight off to Andorra. They say it's cold there, so hrmm.. hopefully the fat ive stored al these years wud finally have a chance to burn itself off. Hehehe...

... mcm haram.

Okie, back to life. Went fr Kirk's wedding yesterda/ day b4 yesterday (losing track of dates here sbb difference n time zone). Okay lah. Never saw Kirk *dat* estatic before. So it was good seeing a new side of him. Although ada masanya ketika majlis terkekek gelak coz some things that he had to do was *sooooooooooooo* not Kirk.

Hopefully lepas dia kahwin ni, takde la dia garang sangat. ehhehe. Owh, lupa nak citer abt akad nikah dia.

Yes, i went. With nad. And bahau and syahrol. U cud tell before the akad Kirk was nervous. Haram ekk tak nak nampak org keliling. Hehehehe.. lepas akad tersengih2 mcm kerang busuk pulak. Mcm haram. Hanya sah jadi suami orang lepas lafaz kedua. First time saksi tak dengar sbb suara Kirk perlahan sangat.

Boleh? Lelaki tu yg suara ala2 bebl aku dengar dari 15 meter jauh, tiba2 takde suara...

=DDDDDDD

Anyway, better get some shuteye now. Mata dah start layu balik. Take care folks. Dun miss me much. Owh ya, takleh nak sms bagai sbb aku pandai sangat g lupa activate international roaming. Boleh?

And tadi kena call maxis DARI SPAIN. Itupun diaroang kata tak sure boleh activate ke tidak. Bodo laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... hishh.

Byk lagi nak bebel ni sebenarnyer. But ngantuk tiba2. Nite2 folks.