*sigh*

It's moments like these where i'd wish that time moves faster. Emotions freeze over. And letting go didnt hurt *dat* bad.

.... not that i hv a problem widdit.

Letting go.

Ive grown accustomed/ used to letting people go. Knowing that things will never ever be d same again. But time changes things. N u just hv to go wit d flow or be left behind bruised and worse for the wear...

... but dat doesnt mean it hurts any less.

Maybe some people wont get where im coming from. Letting go of people, i mean. U might say, they're still there wat? Y pening sgt? Tetap kawan katanya.

Only those who've gone through it, understands.

For a girl, hving ur close gf get married doesnt affect u as much as hving ur best guy friend getting married. Being a girl, its still acceptable for u to call her up wayy into the night knowing her husband wont get any wierd ideas watnot.

Try calling ur married best guy friend at wierd hours, and see wat happens. Mau perang dunia ok.

..........


.............................


Im dealing. In my own wierd way. Yes, i still get emo sometimes, but it aint as bad as compared to when deli got married. It makes me sad, yes, but then, dats d selfish side of me. Eheh. We all have our dark sides.

... i initially thought this post was gonna be sad, but it aint, rite? Im dealing.

Owh, btw, wont be around starting 23rd may to 10 june. Will try to update whenever i can. Kalau tak, mati laaa takde khabar berita from me. Hehehehe...

N pray i get through friday with minimum emo's. *sigh*

Its been a long day. Will be going to sleep in a bit. Just needed to get some stuff off my head...

.... thoughts of someone frm my past kept coming into my head since friday night. Was out wit nad that night and picked up one of her friends for a late night cap. He was wearing this particular brand of perfume.

And immediately my thoughts went rushing on to someone who i previously forgot all abt. Nw... he's stuck in my head.

And i miss him. F*ck.

For some reason my mind's stuck headfast onto him. All because of some perfume i smelt. His smell. Made me go crazy dulu. Still does apparently. Thank god kawan nad okie. If he was a friend of mine, haruslah kena gigit dari awal bau.

.... burnt a cd late last night. Listening to it made me realise...

... sume lagu jewang okie. Mcm haram. =/

Ntah la. Nad's away in Kelantan, thus me blogging malam ni. Malam tadi tido @ Sentul. Malam ni kat sini. Malam esok, balik sentul balik. Im at ease in my own home now. But... tak lama lagi rasanya.

Am playing around with the idea of renting it out and finding my own joint. Sumwhere in area equine park. I knw.. jauh frm KL okie. But.. considering that KPL akan berpindah in Oktober... moving aint such a bad idea. Plus renting my place out will cover my rent in Equine. I think.

This time i think im gonna rent solo. Malas nak ada housemate. Hving housemates made me realise i dont get along *dat* well with everyone. Unless they're on d same wavelength as me. But for now... living on my own sounds tempting.

Plus, gives me d privacy i crave. Anonymity.

..... think i nd to get some shut eye. Not in much mood to blog. Take care folks. Be back later. Ciao!

Heard this song. Loved and cried to it from the first listen. The lyrics. The melody. Aches and sorrow long forgotten resurfaced. For those who've gone forever. For fships ended. For rships broken.

A gloomy day, i admit. Pain from a long time ago came haunting back.

I miss her...

I miss *him*...

I miss *you*....

********************************************************************
Mariah Carey - Bye Bye

This is for my peoples
Who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby
Your man or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye
No, no, no

Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers
Friends and cousins
This is for my peoples
Who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky
Cause we will never say bye

As a child there were them times
I didn't get it
But you kept me in line
I didn't know why
You didn't show up sometimes
On Sunday mornings and I missed you
But I'm glad we talked through

All them grown folk things
Separation brings
You never let me know it
You never let it show
Because you loved me and obviously
There's so much more left to say
If you were with me today
Face to face

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on I wish
I could talk to you for a while
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by

And it's true that you've
Reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And be right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say

Bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye

You never got a chance to see
How good I've done
And you never got to
See me back at number one
I wish that you were here
To celebrate together
I wish that we could
Spend the holidays together

I remember when you used to
Tuck me in at night
With the teddy bear you gave me
That I held so tight
I thought you were so strong
You'd make it through whatever
It's so hard to accept the fact
You're gone forever

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on I wish
I could talk to you for a while
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by

And it's true that you've
Reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And be right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say

Bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye

This is for my peoples
Who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby
Your man or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye

Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers
Friends and cousins
This is for my peoples
Who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky
Cause we will never say bye, bye.

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on I wish
I could talk to you for a while
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by

And it's true that you've
Reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And be right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say

Bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye

Just back from a late night cap with Kirk. Took Maddie out for a wash, and asked him to teman. Thought he wanted to wash his car too, tp in d end, he just teman me.

Knp la kau tak boleh baik mcm ni selalu, laha...

*sigh*

Anyway, talked abt work a bit....

... actually we only talked abt work. Ahahaha. Gila workacholic, ok.

=p

Well, no really lar. I guess... its bn a while since we actually hung out and talked abt work-related issues. Yes, i bitch a *lot* at work abt... well, work. He does his own share of bitching, although mine are usually exaggerated and ermm... more dramatised?? Hahaha...

But yeah... was able to talk my heart out abt work-related worries. Felt d tension slowly ebbing. But it came back with a jolt when he mentioned some things abt CikAircondJetTurbo.

... i seriously get stressed out at d mere mention of her name lar. Mati laaaaaaa.

*sigh*

Driving back in spick and span Maddie, my mind was relaxed. At ease. Somehow talking abt my work-related worries to Kirk always helps. Im not *so* filled with self-doubt anymore.

See... i tend to get worried when PnSUB lumps me with tonnes of things to do and basically just.... lets me figure out wat i need to do to get it done. That troubles me often. Worried that i might be taking on too much responsibility. More thn wat im capable of.

But i guess, i see Kirk's p.o.v. I shud feel honored that PnSUB trusts me to make my own decisions on wat needs to be done without her guidance 24/7. With every task she hands over, the heavier it gets, i guess... its her way of saying she believes in me enough to knw that im able to get d job done.

It scares me, though. Seriously. I mean, ok, i can get d job done, but...

... it's just maddening and stressful when u're accountable for *everything* and people rely on u to think wat needs to be done. Im happie. But stressed. Mad ehh?

*sigh*

Owh, KekasihGelap called. Bn calling and smsing quite regularly now ever since i sent him to d airport last week at god forsaken 4.30am in d morning. For d trip where i was supposed to tag along wit him, but ended up not going for becoz his schedule there was packed and dia takot dia takde masa for me.

Takper lah. Seeing him off was ok too. Just wished we cud hv spent more time together. Miss dat stoopid guy lar.

*sigh*

Ntah lah. Bn thinking and preparing for my Spain trip this end of d month. Byk pulak benda nak kena prepare. Notes. Brief. Stuff to bring. Demn. Apparently Spain's gonna be a bit chilly. Mati okie kena bawak sweater bagai. No, rasanya bukan autumn nor winter. Just cool. Ala2 duduk dalam aircond memanjang waktu siang n malam duduk dlm peti ais.

Travelling alone is not much of a problem for me. Im quite looking forward to it. Time away frm everything, although celebrating my birthday there alone is gonna suck big time.

Like seriously... baru ingat nak celebrate bagai kat Darby Park. Cancel okie. But i did mention to nad i wanted my pre- or post- celebration at HRC. Harap2 dia ingat... kalau tak...

(YY____________________________YY)

.... sedih ok.

*sigh* Better get some sleep now. Esok will prolly head dwn to HRC again. M feeling a bit down at d moment. Missing KekasihGelap does that to me. Demmit. So hopefully that will cheer me up a bit.

Hey folks. Where shall i start?

MyEverything:

Abah's doing fine. Alhamdulillah. Up and about. On his second day out, he went shopping for fishing gear. With Andak, of course. Like Mama and us will let him go alone lar kan. Better bagi dia pergi berteman, dari dia pergi sorang2 naik motor ntah ke mana. Buat risau saja.

Owh yeah... he's back at work too. Mcm haram ok. Tak reti2 nak duduk rumah rehat. Hishhh... degil bangat ok my dad. Grrrr...

... but i love him nonetheless. =)


Work:

Mcm haram. Crazy. Stress tahap gaban. A day doesnt go by where i dont shout/ scream my head off in bilik sendiri/ belakang/ kirk/ gee. Now with PnSUB away for a week in Melaka, things are manic. Am thhiiiiiiisssssssss close to murdering MrDagu and org2 YBM....


I mean, i understand that post-election with new YBM, things are going to change. I dont mind change....

... IT'S D FREAKING WORKLOAD THAT'S KILLING ME. Huwarghhhh!!!! Mcm nak hantuk2 je kepala kat dinding kadang2.

Mana taknya, lepas satu miting, comes another one. All dgn notis ala2 seminggu saja to make preparation. Kadang2 tak tau pun kena arrange miting, tiba2 org2 YBM tanya mcm mana miting tuh. Humang aiiiii...

... i aint no robot, okie.

*swears*

Kdg2, i dont freaking knw what to do first. Sume urgent ok. Everything comes with the red tag syaing 'Tindakan Serta Merta'. Like, kalau 10 benda datang sekali harung with dat tag onnit, MANA SATU NAK BUAT DULU WEIHHH...

.. itu tak ditambah lagi dgn panggilan dari SUPOL suruh datang bilik nak tanya abt everything under the clear blue sky.

MCM LA AKU TAU SUME BENDA DLM KEMENTERIAN NI!!! N like wtf did i become ala2 pusat sumber KPL??!! Huh? Huh?? Macam harrrraaaaaammmmmmmmm...

No lar. I dont mind answering on matters thats related to my job. I dont even mind answering on matters not related to my job, but i knw sedikit sebanyak abt it...

... but when u ask me to come up to your office and out of the blue ask me on the miting/ event on 15hb.... like wtfish??!!! Aku terkial2 ok pikir.

Disebut2 pasal PM datang miting/event tu.


.............


...................................


...............................................

*dalam hati*
MCM HARAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMM... itu TOURISM MALAYSIA BUAT LAAAA BENGONGGGGGGGGG. Takde kena mengena dgn aku!!! Itu PROMOTION!!!!! PROMOTION DI BAWAH TM LA NGGOOOKKKKKKKK....

*yg diucapkan*
Owh, itu program di bawah Tourism Malaysia, Datuk. Sepertimana yang Datuk sedia maklum, semua acara promosi adalah di bawah bidang kuasa TM. Kami di Kementerian hanya menjalankan kerja-kerja pentadbiran serta pelaksanaan strategi berhubung pelancongan. DPH pula in particular hanya bertanggungjawab ke atas formation dan pelaksanaan dasar-dasar berhubung industri pelancongan.

'TM buat? Jadi siapa yg dijemput ye ke majlis tuh?'


(-_________________________-)''''


Stresssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.... AKU MANA TAU CIBEEEETTTTTT. NAMA PUN DI BWH TMMMMMM... BUKAN KPLLLLLLLL.

Huwaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...


(Y__________________________Y)

Nak meraung aku bila kena explain 3-4 kali.

Satu jam hokie, ngadap nak menerangkan. Menerangkan satu hal, nak memahamkan watever questions yang keluar daripada mulut dia, lagi satu hal.

Belum lagi soalan...


...................


........................................


(YY_____________________________YY)



*wails*

Since when la weih aku dipertanggungjawabkan untuk menjawab soalan2 bodo cengginiiiiiiii.... Cukup la stress dgn MrDagu dan CikAircondJetTurbo. Jgn la ditambah seksaan mental ku iniiiiiiii....

*sigh*

N people r always asking me now im looking *so* stressed out. Pikir sendiri ok. Uhukk, uhukk.


Social Life:

So, to make up for *all* d stress above, ive been... erm... going crazy. HRC's been like my permanent hangout. Tak kira weekend or weekdays. Im there. Plus d band currently playing there's prettie awesome.

So lagi panjang langkah ke sana. Ahahahahaha... *grins*

Anyway, life's bn prettie good to me considering the fact that work's hell. Im enjoying the small details in life. Yes, i knw, im bitching abt work constantly but u knw wat? I kinda love my job.

*gag*

Seriously. It's not bad. Yes, there are some people in there capable of driving me mad, but overall, i enjoy work. Friends at work are the best. Supporting staff are awesome. We argue and fight a lot, but at d end of d day, we enjoy ourselves, so yeap...

... it's all good. Tolak aside the factors that are driving me crazy lar kan. Hehehe.

Owh, nad's staying with me now. Keeping an eye on her for d past few days coz she's currently in d dumps after a rship went sour. Haihh...

Kirk's getting married in 2 weeks time....

Kirk's getting married....

.... in 2 weeks time.

............


.........................................


Mcm tak percaya sahaja ok. My tempat mengadu dan tempat meluahkan perasaan dan tekanan jiwa's gonna get hitched soon....

.... WHO D F*CK AM I GONNA RAVE TO WHEN IM STRESSED??!!!!!!

Huwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....

*slaps self*

But im happie for him. =D Okie, despite d seperation anxiety going on, im seriously happie for him. Cume kadang2 terasa mcm biol sat bila pikirkan i cant sms him anymore at 1am in d morning bila down.

... one thing i've noticed though.

Y issit that soon-to-be-married men are demn snappish bila dah dekat2 wedding day?? I mean... mcm haram ok.

Bila kol line office, kena marah.

Bila sms, kena marah jugak.

Bila spark2 (it's an internal chat-thingy) pun kena marah.

Bila jenguk masuk bilik dia, tak ckp apa2 pun, kena marahhhhhhh....

.... huwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Naik gerun ok nak ckp wit him. Im always getting reprimanded or kena sound by him.

Typical conversation with Kirk these days:



Another one:



One Spark conversation:




..............


............................. mcm haram ok skrang. It has come to a stage where my face turns all worried when i have to ask him something abt work. Sbb tau, sure kena fire frrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... benci ahh. Hmph...

Ingatkan bila dah buat performance berduet masa Majlis Mantan hari tuh, takde la garang sgt mamat tuh. Mcm haram. Tambah garang okie. Habis2 aje performance, turun stage, boleh tak dia sound...


..... haruslaaaaaaaahhhhh. Ko ingat aku dah biasa sangat ke buat show depan orang2 ramai niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. Tambah lak Menteriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. Bodoooooooooooo.... Siaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.... Aku takot weeeeiiiiiiihhhhh....

Cepatlah kahwin kirk. Aku dah tak larat lagi jadi punching beg kau. Udah2 la tu. Nasib baik laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ko bukan laki aku. If not, dah lama aku report kau kat TeleDera utk isteri2 teraniaya okiieeeeeeeeee.

Huhuhuhuhu....

........

Just got back frm Putrajaya arnd 40 mins ago. Tired. A bit worried. But mixed with relief...

... Abah got warded for suspected heart attack.


......

Got the news around 7ish pm. Was in midst of drafting out an answer to submit to YB TM on friday morning. Didnt get to finish it. Along called, and i immediately shut everything off and rushed to Putrajaya...

.......

..... reached Ptrjaya arnd 8ish or so. Cant remember d time exactly. Mind went on automatic drive since i got d news. I remember calling Mama and her not picking up. Thank god she finally called backand i got updated news on Abah. Mama sounded... worried. And quiet.

.... i drove d hell as fast as i cud to Ptrjaya.

.... visiting hours were over, but security let me in. Got to Abah's ward, and was relieved to see him sitting on his bed, listening to d doctor's explanation. Alhamdulillah.

N thank god i arrived when i did, cause Mama wasnt around. Balik ambik baju and barang-barang Abah katanya. Managed to hear what d doctor had to say abt Abah's condition. Briefed Mama later abt it, coz knowing Abah, he wud never tell Mama d things d doctor told him.

He didnt want her to worry.

.... i was immediately relieved when Abah saw me and greeted me and even managed to make a flippant remark on me being there. When i told him Shasha was on her way, Along might be a bit late and dat i told Adik to come home, he had d gall to say kenapa susah-susah datang.

Abah ok.

..... to me, it didnt matter. He's our father and we wud have made our way over in a snapshot even if all he needed was some aspirins and rest.

Talked to him a bit and Mama arrived soon after. She was calm, seeing that Abah was sitting up and talking.

But then, Abah always tends to keep things light regarding these matters. He doesnt want Mama to worrie i guess. I dont blame him.

...... my dad's ok, alhamdulillah. It was d shock of hearing that Abah masuk hospital for his heart. Death by heart attacks and cancer is common in my family lineage . At least cancer, u have some indication. Heart attacks come sudden, especially when d signs are not heeded to.

.... i guess, even at his age of 59 and mine at 30, i still cant bear d thought of losing him. N my mother. I know that sooner or later...... it will come.

I just cant imagine how my life will be if it came sooner. But then, can u ever be ready?

Seeing both Mama and Abah tadi together made me realise how fragile life really is. Despite hving parents and coming frm a family where physical affection is hardly shown, i saw a glimpse of how dependent my parents are on each other.


And for d first time ever, at least as far as i remember, i saw Mama kissing Abah goodnite on his cheek. N i know that deep down, Mama herself cant imagine her life without her best friend, husband and life partner beside her.

She wanted to stay at the hospital to be with him, but Abah told her to go home. Dgn alasan dia nak tidur tanpa diganggu batuk and dengkuran Mama. Boleh? Despite us, being worried as hell for him, Abah still managed to pull out a joke.

So Mama's back at rumah Putrajaya. Along temankan Mama. Im back at Bt Caves coz esok pagi nak bawak MakLang and Achik g Putrajaya jumpa Abah. N i'll probably be there d whole day.

Adik's been told to stay in Melaka. He has finals coming up, and Abah and Mama asked him to concentrate on his exams. He's in his final semester, and i guess they have high hopes for him.


*sigh*

My day at work was rotten from d word get-go. During d day i was even thinking abt coming back home and blog my heart out at how bad things were. But then, this came up...

.... and i ended up thinking, i wud rather go through 100 days of working like today as long as Abah and Mama are healthy and happy.

.........


............................


.............................................


Puts my world in perspective. Yes, i get rotten days sometimes, but i realise that at the end of every day, i come home and i find peace and happiness with my family. They've always been my backbone. It scares me to know that my time with my parents is short...

.... i wanna make d best i can out of the time i have left.

I wanted to clear up my FC fights tadi. But... i'd rather put this post down for tonight. To remind me of wats important.

..... tomorrow i will be in Putrajaya. My whole family excluding Adik, that is, will be there too. It's hard to get us all together at once, unless it's Raya. With Along, Shasha and I busy with work. But im glad that when things such as this happens, we pull through. Alhamdulillah.


Abt Abah's condition, the doctor will running more tests tomorrow to determine the his actual ailment. Whether it's his heart or his blood pressure. Give me the choice btwn both evils, id choose HBP. Yang itu, boleh dijaga dan dipantau. Heart? Comes too sudden and sometimes witout warnings.

N knowing Abah, he *seldom* tells us on his health. I told Mama that next time he tells her he's hurting somewhere or cant breathe, to tell us, his kids, and we'll force him to the hospital a.s.a.p.

Kedegilan Abah, hanya boleh ditandingi dengan kedegilan anak-anak dia. We *all* got that from him. Dengan Mama tak jalan, sbb she usually gives in to Abah.

Dengan anak-anak, no dolak-dalik. And he knows that too.

..........


.................. im still worried though. That is inevitable. Whatever condition Abah has, it's a family effort to make sure he takes d necessary measures to look after his health. And that means, no more salty things.

..... even at health, my parents are opposites. =/

This is going to be tough, trust me. Abah bab makan, susah skit. If food is not salty enough, he'll just pour kicap over his food. Boleh? Asalkan ada rasa masin. *sigh* Im gonna throw out d botol kicap lepas ni.

.... hopefully Abah will get well soon. He hates it in d hospital. Boring katanya. Nak memancing... bole??

*sigh*

I love my father, and worry abt him, but there are times when i feel like strangling him. That applies to my mother too.

Ok. Need my rest now. Pagi esok nak bangun awal. Its nearly 4.30am. Nite, folks.

It's 1.42am. Still trying to clear up my FC list. Haih... serves me right for reaching back home late. But thn, im taking up my own sweet time. Shite...

Went for a practice session wit Kirk for our gig this Friday...

... did i mention? DatukG requested that Kirk and i sing during the appreciation dinner for our ex minister.

Me. Sing in public. In front of politicians summore. Like wtf?! Tried getting out offit, but hell... mcm la DatukG kasi lar kan. Plus PnSUB is keen on seeing her kidsup on stage. Brings glory to d division, katanya.


Fine, i admit. Im a karaoke freak *cringes*. I practically hog the mic. I think. But in self defense, gee and kirk are worse hoggers thn me. =p But it still doesn justify d fact that why meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....

... i mean, ramai lagi kan yang pandai nyanyi kat KPL. Knp antara *semua* kat situ, aku yg kena?? Can someone pls explain that to me?? Huh? Huh?


Demmit... mcm haram okieh. Trust me, fine, i can carry a tune, but that doesnt mean i can *sing*. Kalau masuk Msian Idol, haruslah kena kutuk bagai dgn Roslan Aziz and Paul Moss. Urghhh....

.. ditambah lak kena nyanyi duet with Kirk yang perfectionist time nyanyi. Mati.

... and ditambah tunang kirk akan dapat melihat aku dan kirk nyanyi atas pentas berdua. (O____o)'''''

... mati dua kali.


Wat if we're singing a love song, and then i go into my drama mode?? Haruslah lupa kan to not go overboarddddddddddd. Huwaaaaaaaaaaaa....

... but come to think offit. It's kirk. Nak drama bagai apa dgn dia?! Asyik kena marah tetiap ari dgn dia, takkan nak drama berchenta atas pentas...

... but i wudnt rule out drama bergaduh. Eheh.

*scratches head*

Im gonna leave d song pick up to kirk. Plus all the nilai-nilai estetika atas pentas. Mati la ok. I shud hv just croaked whenever people made me their duet partner. Demmit.


N wit d upcoming JKPP meeting nxt wednesday. Owh, bole? Initially the meeting set on 24th April got postponed to 28th April. Thn it got pushed to 8th May. Thn it was inevitably postponed till further notice....

... got a call frm Dato'Ong that YBM now wants it on 7th May. Like wtf, rite??!! Im holding off issuing the new invites, coz hell... for all u knw, esok postpone lagi. Cukup lah dah issue d letter once, thn issue another one telling it was postponed. Kalau keluar surat telling them d new date, ONLY to have it postponed *again*, haruslah aku terjun dari tingkap level 34, rite???

Itu belum lagi nak mengejar papers to be presented during the meeting. Prepare dokumen mesyuarat lagi. Pikir tempat makan lagi. Demmit...

... baru teringat.

How d f*ck am i gonna fit 50+ people dlm bilik mesyuarat tingkat 36 that can only cater for 40+?? N where am i gonna hv the luncheon?????? It's much more practical for me to have it at PWTC/ Legend/ Seri Pacific. But nooooooo...

... bilik mesyuarat level 36 okie. Im gonna hv to crack my brains on this one. Shite.

*sigh*

Doesnt help that my mood swings are going haywire. One moment, im practically happie as a baby, thn the next i feel like jumping out of my office window (thank god it's bolted shut), and thn i feel like crying becoz im suddenly overcome with a wave of missing someone who i hvnt missed in a loooong time, but now i do, coz my hormones are all over d place....

.... issit something abt turning d Big 3-0, that makes me d dimwit i am these days??? I mean, some days, im fine. Rational. Quickwitted. Logical. Grounded.

... then u get those days where my head's up in d sky, and my emotions are going amok.

... doesnt help that im gonna celebrate my birthday in Madrid. Alone.

.....


..................


....................................


..... HARUSLAH AKU MENANGIS BAGAI KAN NANTI KAT SANAAAAAAAAAAAA. Huwaaaaaaaaaaa. Last year in Bandung, *no one* remembered my birthday. Had to touch down at KLIA, switched on my hp, and finally felt like i was loved by people who sent me sms's wishing me happie birthday.

This year??? Im gonna be freaking far away laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Thank god Maxis ada coverage kat Spain okie. So for those reading this...

... u guys, better remember!!!!!!!!!! No excuses!!!!! 29 MAY!!!!

... or god help me, im gonna nag abt it here. Hehehehe...




So folks, better ciao now. PnSUB's gonna be tomorrow. N i was late this morning. Again. Mati laaaaaaaaa.

Pernah ke ada pegawai kerajaan kena buang kerja sbb tak pernah datang awal??!!!f takde, thn im gonna be d first la weihh. Mati.

Went on EL today. Woke up with yesterday's migrain *and* asthma. F*ck. Texted MrDagu and Feefah, and plonked myself straight back to bed....

... and woke up at 12 noon. Ho-yeahh! (-_____________-)

Haih... i know, i know. My body isnt wat is used to be. Gone are the days where i can party my night away and wake up the next morning as refreshed as a baby's bottom (like wtf?!). Now, all i get are head-splitting migrains and pathetic slits for eyes. Demn...

Butttt... i had fun nonetheless this weekend. A hearty dinner at HRC with Nad and later on a night of dancing wit some good old friends.

Though i still do not get the lime on the head thingy. Like seriously.

Bunked over at Sentul and barely 10 minutes lying down, i was out like a baby. Hahhahaha. Kesian nad.

Anyway, my trail of thoughts for tonite....

... had this wierd dream last night. Nice, but wierd. Dreamt i was making out wit someone. N not just anyone, mind u.

McDreamy.

... boleh??? Mcm haram, kan?! Hahahahahaha...

... how did it feel?? Guuuuuuddddddd, but then, come to think offit, bukannya rasa apa pun, iyer tak? Mimpi sahaja. Hampehh okieh. *sigh*

How i wish lar kan d dream was real... demmit. =p

So okie, fine. Torment me in my dreams all u wanna, McDreamy. I have noooooo problem watsoever wit dealing wit u in my dreams. Apparently im very good at holding in watever that needs to be held in. *ehemm*

=D

*sigh*

Talking nonsense, i knw. It's frekking 1.15am in the morning, wat do u expect lar. I miss KekasihGelap. Last, he sms'ed me when i was busy dancing my ass of at HRC. Asked me where i was, and when i said i was at HRC, terus dia diam okay. Mcm haram saja.

I misccchhhh yooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu... but that doesnt mean im gonna wallow in self-pity and watch my life pass me by. Pbbffftttt.

I mean, wat issit la wit men? U dont want me to wait for u. No, scratch that. U dont want me. Im okie widdat, since hell.... the thought of being married/ tied to ONE man for d rest of my life, good or bad, freaks me out a bit.

... but when i go out and have fun, u get pissed off and go all... scizo on me. Like wtf lar?! I thought we reached some kind of mutual understanding... u do ur thing, i do my thing... but when we're together, we do our thing.

Takkan expect me to sit at home waiting for you to call la, idiot.

And i dont geddit when they tell me that i've changed. Like... doesnt everyone change after time?

People get fatter/ darker/ whiter/ vouge'er/ sexier/ etc after time....

... if ure talking abt personality, then yes. U cant expect someone who has gone through multiple disappointment to still be where she was 10 years ago lar. Personalities change when innocence and naivety disappear. Experience teaches people to change.

Not to say principles in life generally change, but... we adapt. Priorities in life shifts, whether we want to or not.

One major lesson ive learnt was that, im in charge of my own happiness. Yes, i need people in my life to be happy. But i dont and will never make ONE person existence in my life the basis of my happiness....

... unless i have children, then that's a totallllyyyy different story la wei.

.... so yes, maybe ive changed in d way i live my life. But my main priorities and principles in life hvnt changed. My family is still numero uno. My willingness to die for them has not changed dari dulu sampai skrang...

... i will still fight and face hell straight on for the people dearest to me.

... im still against marrying a married guy, for the reason that i dont like to share (but it doesnt mean i wudnt rule out hving fun with them) =p

... i still think that men who thinks that im at their beck and call, are downright morons and subsequently deleted frm my phone list. Including those who on the first date expects me pick them up. Like wtf.... hvnt u heard or male chivalry? Of being a gentleman??? Mcm sial okie lelaki mcm tu.. and most important of all...

.... i still dislike Datuk CT. =p

Okie. I dun knw the relevance of the last statement. But see, *generally* my principles in life hasnt change much, *but* my outlook towards life has. U cant blame me for that.

=D

Shite. It's 1.35am. Nd to sleep. Mati la kalau lambat esok. Haihh...

... owh, still need to reconfirm this coming saturday night plans again. If jadi... umang aiii... im taking Monday off for sure.

Nite, folks!

.. its bn a while. I knw. *sigh* Bn *so* caught up with Figthers Club (FC) these days that... well... btwn balancing work, family, friends, my social life and FC, i prettie much dun hv mch time for this blog.


So anyway, life in general is okay. At busy prepping for Spain trip nxt month. Documents, briefs, etc... and also making sure that i have done all the logistic preps. Hmm... mcm takot okay, nak g Spain 2 minggu sorang2. But thn... the excitement is kinda building up in me. Mcm best pun ada.

I mean, ive always wanted to visit Spain, n here i am. Hehehehe... mcm best si*l. Gerun, tp best. Bodo tak bodo? Haihh...

Ok. Another 24 min to my nxt jump. Hehehehe. Yes, people. Im awake at dis godforsaken hour coz im waiting to jump for a friend's fight. Not just anyone, but yeah... yours, elly.

... umang aiii... dah terang kat luar, ok.

(Y____________________________Y)''''''